The Third Trimester

Im into the 31st week. Which means around 6-7 weeks to full term (of 37 weeks). The third trimester is proving to be challenging in some ways. I never expected I'd grow to be sensitive to smells- cigarette, feng you, cooked food packets on train. It makes me breathless and nauseas. Tired-ness took on a different meaning from the first trimester. Of course it was exhausting then and nothing like that has ever hit me. This few weeks I've been getting the lethargy, the short spans of energy bursts after which I'm busted for the day. It's been harder to get up, to fall into sleep, to sit or walk for long.

The tummy gets more pronounced, heavier and I'm slower. Usually zonked, I dont respond as much. My mind is active but it doesn't necessarily translate to expressions or words these days.

Somehow there is a desire to get this over and done with- not in a frustrated way but just naturally hoping to see the baby I've been carrying for the past months. I dont wish to be pregnant all the time!

Of course I don't all look forward to life after that- the changes and the challenges scare me when I think about it. Thoughts like what if I don't produce enough milk? What if the baby gets more comfortable with other people than me? There are nagging moments that I often have to brush aside in Jesus'name.

Yesterday the baby cot arrived. After it was set up, a new sense of reality and excitement dawned upon me. Yes she's coming! And it's for real, life is not going to be ever the same with this white cot in my bedroom.

Looking forward, I'm trusting in God's grace as I brace myself for motherhood. It will be hard I think but an experience I'd not regret.

28 weeks.

It's been about 7 months.  Pregnancy, like my cousin told me "is over quite soon", and I didn't quite get it at first. Looking forward, I realise there's just about two months more before I'd see Kayla!

So I thought I should recall and note some things about pregnancy (both matter of facts and surprises) before I forget them altogether.

• The most common questions I get and find it a little tiring to keep answering is, "Is it a boy or girl?  Have you thought of her name?" 
• I never thought I'd get a maternal swim suit and swim with my baby in me!
• I love to wear those black, soft swishy pants that wrap around my belly nicely.
• I don't really expect people to give up their seats on the MRT and buses but off on and they do, and I'm embarrassed about it!
• It took me about 4-5 months of pregnancy to really get into the baby details - what I need to do, get, eat. 
• I look forward to Qingwen talking and morse-coding to the baby every night:)
• I learnt especially these few months to pray for my unborn baby and also to pray with Qingwen.
• On my worst days, I feel ugly and fat.  On my best, I'm so beautifully clumsy and round.

Ha can't help laughing at myself with this list of things I went through the past few months.  There's more which I've forgotten - a significant part of pregnancy - absent minded-ness.

Through it all, I'm very amazed what God is doing inside me - forming the baby and growing her.  I know she's developing a personality and character - from those kicks and movements, the things I like to eat now and don't. 

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Ps 139:13-14

Letter to my unborn daughter

Dear Kayla, (a name both Daddy and Mummy wish you will like)

It thrills Mummy and Daddy that you've been growing and kicking inside, especially more recently.  We are grateful that you are healthy and active.

Sometimes, I try to imagine seeing you come out from me, all red and cute - I know that marks a special beginning - of life with Kayla.

You know that Daddy really loves you?  I know from his daily singing to you (you must have heard), his tapping on my tummy so that you'd respond.  His anxious looks when I come back home late or look really tired.  And I'm so glad he's your Daddy.

I fear myself becoming a bad Mummy to you at times.  Cos I may misunderstand you, the crying you might make, the naughty things you could do.  But I also want to be the best Mummy I can be for you.

As my tummy keeps growing bigger and bigger, I know the day draws nearer and nearer.  I'd muster my greatest courage and smile to see you through into this world, so that we could love, nurture and share our lives with you, out of whatever we have and however God leads.

Cherishing every moment I carry you,
Mummy

Do not worry...

Our BTO in the works

It dawned on me today that I've never really been able to let myself make mistakes.

In an BTO exercise about two years ago, we chose a unit and we didn't even check the compass.  Today I walked past it, and saw that our block was climbing storeys but oh dear the setting sun was shining brightly into the windows!  It faces the west!

Worry set in - what if we come home to a hot house every day?  And later if we want to sell, no one would buy it?  After some anxious googling of solutions and finding nothing, I was frustrated - with myself.

As I switched on my twitter deck almost like a reflex after I turned off my safari, I read this. "Jesus doesn't condemn legitimate concern, but rather the continuous mindset that dismisses God's presence." (Max Lucado)

My soul stirred.  I realised I've let me take over and really dismissed God.  I began to pray.

I don't think that shifted any direction of the setting sun.  But I was reminded more importantly that God knows even my mistakes and I'm sure He is in control.  Dont know how it will really be like next year when we move in.  Perhaps there will be super curtains that shut out heat or just amazingly short sun sets on us.

May I never leave nor forget His presence in my life, especially in mistakes!

Closing a chapter of my life

Sharing a devotion @AGM

I must be one of those whom cannot stop working after I officially retire.  At four and a half months of pregnancy, my mind is really still all about work and ministry.  I can't let go yet I know, at least emotionally.

It has been coming to 8 years on staff.  I've been burnt out before, discouraged and disappointed at some point in time.  But I've experienced the most wonderful things of my life during this period as well - finding good friends, getting married and having my own home, and learning about leadership.

But changes are part of life and God has graciously moved me along to a new phase of life called motherhood.  I'd have to put down what I've held on dearly - the heated and passionate discussions with my staff friends about ministry, challenging of students to follow Jesus, the little adventures each day brings on campus.  

In this very midst of changes, I know God is drawing me into a deeper road with Him - 'a pilgrimage of surrender' - as Pastor Edmund Chan puts it.  My heart is acutely aware of the impending departure and surrender but at the same time the arrival of something new and wonderful.  Literally I know, but also more intangibly in the journey of my soul.

A new experience and season awaits.